I'm Sad / The Reality Fish

I’m sad.

I’m a 30-year-old photographer who wants to make a difference, but I almost always feel like I don’t know how. The kid I was in high school was optimistic about the possibility of changing the world, but with a population of 7.8 billion people I often question how possible that really is.

Do you feel that way too? Were you that way as a teenager too, before the world smacked you in the face with a goofy looking, big-eyed, insult-spewing fish named Reality?...

Oh, and thank you for looking at the most depressing self-portrait I’ve ever taken and for reading my thoughts explaining it. And I’m fine, by the way, no need to worry. But thank you!

A WHILE BACK, I ASKED A FRIEND to make a mask for me and put a vinyl teardrop on it as an artistic expression to illustrate how I feel about the current state of our world with Covid-19. And, O, how the meaning of my mask has evolved since then! I feel that even more now with the current state of our country, with the issue of racism as well as the many other ways we’re becoming more divided.

If you’re like me, quarantine has given you a lot of time to hang out with yourself. In my case, I’ve had the wonderfully terrifying opportunity to talk to that guy in the mirror more than usual and realize that I don’t get along with him as well as I thought I did, that I’m not so united with him. And since I can’t divorce him, ya know, I’ve had to come to terms with our differences and make some changes. You could say he’s growing on me, but I think we’ll always be an odd couple and I’m ok with that. Anyway, I was talking about how I’m sad...

I’M SAD THAT GEORGE FLOYD DIED in a way that feels so unfair and so wrong. I’m sad that peaceful protests over recent months and over all these years seem to have made very little change, and that people consequently feel violence is the only way to be heard. I’m sad that so much time and energy have been placed in fighting the symptoms of racism rather than the roots of racism. I’m sad that so many people in this nation feel like they can’t breathe. I’m sad that we don’t spend enough time listening even though we expect or demand to be listened to. I’m sad that we aren’t more frequently looking inward and asking ourselves how we can change before asking others to change.

Finally, I’m sad that the majority of people seem to be largely on the same page about all this yet feel essentially powerless in their ability to contribute to the desired change. I mean, we can say anything we want on the internet, and we can say it any way we want to, but of all our “followers” and “friends”, are any of us convinced that most of them are actually listening? Of the few who are, do we think they can actually do much with our words and images? Are WE listening most of the time? How many times have you heard people talk about a sensitive subject and end their comment with “I’m not allowed to say that publicly though”? Are people saying that because they’re wrong? And, assuming they are wrong, could we possibly hope to change their mind if we don’t listen with the intent to understand where they’re coming from?

I think that every person I know is already aware that we’re generally more similar than we are different. On top of that, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who hasn’t wanted to make a positive difference in the world, yet we’re so quick to identify the things that separate and divide us. It’s our unfortunate default to look for things that tell us exactly what we want to hear, and listening requires a lot of focus, energy, and humility. Listening – truly listening with the intent to understand – is so hard, especially if it feels one-sided. But you and I both know it’s possible.

REMEMBER HOW I MENTIONED BEING SLAPPED in the face by a goofy looking fish named Reality? I don’t know about you, but I’m frequently tempted to tell that fish it needs to shut up. Or just ignore it. However, as difficult as it is, I’ve found that life tends to treat me best when I give Reality a big fat hug, become its friend, and listen to it. There have been countless times where I hold it neglectfully and it jumps up out of my arms and whips me in the face again, which I recognize and accept as the eternal cycle of our relationship.

Reality is a slippery fish. But it will also become healthier and more authentic if you share your dreams with it, if you let it know what you hope for. As much as Reality is offering you, you have a lot to offer Reality also. It won’t be happy if you pretend it doesn’t exist, and neither will you. But it also won’t enjoy you very much if you hug it so tight it can’t swim. The relationship takes a lot of work, listening, and sacrifice (which hurts), but you both thrive when you have each other.

(Also, I have the rights to the picture book about the fish named Reality, so don’t even think about it. ;)

Reality is a strange and fascinating fish that has altered my perspective on what “change” means. The massive scale of “changing the world” makes it feel like the wrong problem to solve, which is why we feel inadequate about it. For almost everyone, the question of changing the world is about 8 billion people too many. But what if the world was the size of your neighborhood – could you change it then? Absolutely, you could! That’s tiny!

Now, you don’t need to change your actual, physical neighborhood. I mean, you don’t need to do anything. But your Reality fish knows you want to make a positive difference, and the Reality fish also knows that your metaphorical neighborhood is a realistically sized place to make a positive difference in.

FIRST AND FOREMOST, IT STARTS WITH YOU. Embrace that stupid fish, look deep into its goofy yet intimidating eyes, and let it confront you. But also hug it long enough for it to get to know you, because, oh my gosh, it will seriously compliment you way more than you thought it would and reveal how much potential you have! Painful and uncomfortable at first… but awesome.

Then share that fish with your friends and family. What, they don’t like fish? Ha! No one likes this fish when they first meet it. No one. Just start by introducing it as your new partner, or something. It might take them a while to accept your new relationship, but as long as you don’t demonstrate shame for your new relationship or show judgment toward them for their lack of such a relationship, they may eventually catch on and seek out their own fish.

Speaking of which, your fish is your fish. That’s hard to accept – you can show off your fish, and you can even let your friends hold your fish for a while. But no matter what you do, your cute little Reality can never be their fish. They have to find their own. If and when they do, their fish probably won’t grow as fast as you wish it would, they might not be happy they ever found it, and you might not even like it the first time you meet it. For real, you don’t have to trust me on that, just ask your fish!

After sharing it with your friends and family, it’s time to share it with your neighbors, your coworkers, and possibly the stranger in line at the grocery store. When you’ve done that, guess what? You’ve changed the world – the world around YOU. And that’s beautiful!

Oh, and I forgot to mention that your fish can only grow into a big and happy fish, and share more powerful wisdom with you, if you allow it to make friends with other people’s fish. Let it spend time with the fish of people who have different skin colors than you, different political affiliations than you, different sexual orientations than you, different religious beliefs than you. As hard as it might be, you might even let your fish hang out with another fish that belongs to someone you think is just plain stupid – you don’t even have to be there, just your fish. See what it has to say when you get it back. I know I’m spoiling the ending here for you, but… all of our fish came from the same pond.

NOW, FINALLY, BACK TO MY OPENING SENTENCE: Yes, I’m sad. But I’m also becoming more aware of myself and other people because of that strange fish that slapped me when it was trying to get my attention all those years ago. As intimidating as it is, as absolutely terrifying as it can be, I’m convinced that becoming its friend is perhaps the most enlightening and empowering experience any of us could go through.

You might be thinking, “Wow, Erik! Thanks for the click-baity image that made me waste all this time reading about a dumb metaphor instead of your sad self-portrait.” Oh… Well, I’m sorry you feel that way. You must not have met my new friend! I know it’s hard to believe, but, uhh, it’s a fish...

We can do this.

(If you’d like, and are comfortably able, to donate any portion of the stimulus checks you’ve received to causes like the NAACP Legal Fund, the ACLU, or Black Lives Matter, Google should easily take you there; and Netflix is also full of some digital fish you might learn from – start where you feel semi-comfortable. Likewise, there are multiple organizations that could benefit from your donations that are contributing to the issues we’re in due to Covid-19 / the coronavirus, and this link seems to be the simplest to follow and most comprehensive that I’ve found in that regard: https://www.forbes.com/sites/sarahhansen/2020/04/01/12-ways-to-donate-your-1200-stimulus-check-to-help-fight-the-coronavirus/#460c92c75382)