Motivated by what I wanted to feel
“I had a rock bottom moment after my mission, where I was not living the commandments at all, I didn’t feel the Spirit at all. I had friends, I had fun, I had money, and I was totally empty. Completely miserable. And I was terrified at the idea of coming back; at the idea of disciplinary councils and church discipline. The shame, that everyone knows what’s going on with you, that people see you not taking the sacrament. Somewhere at that point in my life, I recalled a positive experience I had at 18 where God told me I was his son and that things would be OK, and I believed it. At that moment, I stopped caring. It didn’t matter to me who I’d have to talk to, who I’d have to tell. None of that mattered. The shame was gone and it became really easy for me to say ‘I’m getting out of this.’ Because I was more motivated by what I wanted to feel in my life than the fear of what people might think."